Salad Fingers

Scene: Mom and daughter sit down at a relatively empty sports bar for dinner. After not seeing each other for some time, they have much to catch up on. 

As soon as daughter gets her salad, a creepy, grungy man sits down next to her and joins the conversation without any kind of invitation. After asking the daughter (who is in her early 20s) if she has had a baby, he proceeds to discuss the benefits of pineapple and papaya for curing colic in babies. He then looks at her plate and spots an opportunity for further gross-ness. He asks if she is going to eat her lettuce heart, and, when she says no, proceeds to reach across the bar (into her personal space) and pick up the heart of lettuce OFF OF HER PLATE with his dirty fingers. 

The daughter is so horrified that her mother jumps in and politely tells the man that she is trying to talk with her daughter. The man does not take the hint and continues to interrupt their conversation with his thoughts on communism, Foucault, agriculture, and child-rearing for another painful hour. 

Needless to say, my dinner and my night were ruined.

SFAR.

Posted in Dysfunction Junction | Comments Off on Salad Fingers

But the Cream Works!

Within 15 minutes of the first meeting (at Denny’s no less!)….

Boy: I can’t get a hard-on anymore, so the doctor gave me a cream to rub on it. The cream works, although it smells really bad.

Girl: (stunned silence)

Posted in Dysfunction Junction | Comments Off on But the Cream Works!

Douche of the Week: Scott Disick

First came Kim’s sex tape. Then the whole family got famous off of her sex-sess and Seacrest/E gave them a reality show. However painful it was to watch people with no skills or particular talents waste money on Birkin bags and Louboutins, there was nothing that could prepare us for the shitstorm that is Scott Disick.

We have many questions about Scott, including:

1) What do you do for a living? What is this “business” you have a “career in?”

2) How much hair gel do you go through a day? Do you buy it in bulk at Costco to save trips to the pharmacy?

3) How does it feel to have an entire country hate you?

4) When everyone else was watching Mr. Rogers, were you watching American Psycho?

Posted in Douche of the Week, Dysfunction Junction | Comments Off on Douche of the Week: Scott Disick

Facebook- Still Not a Dating Site

Last week I received a friend request from a stranger. Accompanying the request was a note that read:

“Lovely smile i must say… I was searching for some old friends of mine..and i found you, i would like to get to know you a lot better,because i know beneath the warm smile lies a beautiful personality… pardon me if i have overstepped your privacy ,but how are we to know if we do not ask…. it would honor me greatly if you reply.. do have a nice day…. Michael.”

Posted in Uncategorized | Comments Off on Facebook- Still Not a Dating Site

Google searches!

Google searches!

More Galleries | Comments Off on Google searches!

Don’t Let the Suit Fool You

Scene: A bar on New York’s Lower East Side, Midnight on a Friday evening

Dear Gentleman clad in a full suit passed out in a bar,

This is not a good look for you. Better luck next time, champ.

Signed,

SFAR

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Don’t Let the Suit Fool You