Shoe Trees

Posted on 16/03/2011 by admin

                           

About a year ago, I was going through a particularly rough dry spell. I went to a concert, where I was introduced to a friend of a friend that was pretty cute. We danced all night, and decided to go out after the concert ended.

“Going out” turned into going back to his apartment, where we fandangled and I slept over. In the morning, half-dressed and a hot mess, I began to gather my things so I could bid farewell and be on my merry way. As I began rummaging around for my dress/belt/shoes, I began to notice that this man’s room was VERY clean. Now, I appreciate neatness, but this was straight up OCD material.

Then I saw the closet. His shirts were ordered by color, hanging perfectly on hangers from the dry cleaners, each piece of clothing perfectly pressed or folded. It kind of creeped out that a twenty-something could possible be so clean, I continued looking for my favorite belt. As I bent down to look under the bed, that’s when I saw it. Each pair of shoes he owned (including sneakers) were filled by SHOE TREES. You know, those things that expand and fill the shoe so it doesn’t get bent out of shape?

As I came out of my general confusion/still drunkenness, I realized I had to get the hell out of there, but not before he offered to make me eggs, which I politely refused, told him to call if he found my belt, and hurried out of the apartment back to my cozy, just-messy-enough apartment to get ready for brunch.

This is a photo that is similar to the one found in this story, but not the exact closet. Note that all of the shoes have shoe trees, everything is on wooden hangers, and there is a shoe shining kit to the left of the closet. Thanks to our loyal reader who submitted this photo!

Posted in Fashion Faux-Pas | Comments Off on Shoe Trees

Tinted Lip Balm

Posted on 15/03/2011 by admin

My friend just got out of a long-term relationship and recently started talking to a new guy. He’s a friend of a friend and supposedly the kind of guy you can trust, the kind of guy who doesn’t run around with a lot of girls. Or so she was told.

After a couple weeks and a couple hook ups, she goes to one of the only bars in our small, college town, and runs into the guy. He’s sweet, attentive, and apologizing for not being around the past week – he knew she had just broken up with her boyfriend and didn’t want to jump in too quickly.

Just as things started to seem like he was really interested he flips the switch, starts acting really drunk, and has the audacity to leave her with bartender and an unpaid tab. She is forced to pay his $40 bill. Understandably, she is pissed off and goes to hunt down this guy only to find him ordering more drinks on the other side of the bar on a tab he already closed. The bartenders call him out and ask him to leave so he and my friend go back to his place.

When they get there, she notices Urban Outfitters lip balm sitting on his bed. Has he been hooking up with other people since they started seeing each other? No, he says. It’s actually his lip balm.

“But seriously, do you really think I’m going to believe that this is yours? This is GIRLS lip balm.”

“It’s my mom’s,” he says.

For about 10 minutes their argument continues, my friend in complete disbelief that this slightly-tinted lip balm from the beauty section of Urban Outfitters belongs to this guy. Eventually he throws the lip balm out of the room and says it doesn’t exist. Drop it. There is no lip balm. Confused and upset that he denied this to her face, my friend goes home.

The next day he texts her asking what happened the night before. She gives him a brief overview with all the embarrassing details including the scene in the bedroom, and he tells her that he is sorry he was so drunk and rude. He started drinking that day at 5 pm.

“I haven’t been with anyone since we first hooked up, he tells her. “The lip balm, I’m afraid to say, is really mine. My mom had it and I tried it once and really liked it. I know it’s embarrassing, but that stuff is awesome, and I’m going to keep using it.”

My friend was dumbfounded. I don’t know what’s worse, a guy who hooks up with other girls and lies about it to your face or a guy who uses slightly-tinted lip balm from the beauty section of Urban Outfitters.

Posted in Frat Bros, Still a Dude | Comments Off on Tinted Lip Balm

Nothing Says Romance like a Bloomin’ Onion

Posted on 14/03/2011 by admin

As a divorced woman in suburban NJ, it’s exciting to have dating prospects (believe me, they are few and far between). Most recently I was asked out by a 52 year old man in southwestern New Jersey where I live. We decided to go to Outback Steakhouse, a location halfway between his home and mine.

Very soon into the meal, I started to learn a fair amount about my date and what i would call his “life situation.” I had an idea he might live with his parents- he mentioned something about his parents when we’d met, and I’d assumed this meant his parents were ill and he was taking care of them. As it turned out, he lived in his parents’ basement and had been for the past 15 years to “save money” after his divorce.

As the meal progressed, it did not take long before he was asking me for full-on financial advice. I am an accountant by trade, so I am happy to share my insights. However, the financial conversation continued for far too long, nearly the entire meal. He revealed that since moving home to his parents’ house to save money, he was now able to afford a downpayment on a $200,000 house (max), which meant he’d saved essentially nothing over the past decade and a half. Over and over again, TMI.

As the date started to wind down, he cut me off saying he wanted to use two Outback gift cards he’d been wanting to spend. He did warn me, however, that they may have already expired.

Despite how awful the date had been, he asked me out for another date. I told him I would have to get back to him. The date was so painful, to be honest, the whole time I was just thinking how mad I was at myself for missing that night’s episode of “Survivor.”

Posted in Dating Disasters | Comments Off on Nothing Says Romance like a Bloomin’ Onion

Women in the Workplace. Ha!

Posted on 14/03/2011 by admin

Scene: Two girls are sitting at a bar on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. They are approached by two men who inform them that they are pilots in New York for the night.

Guy 1: So, what do you girls do for a living?

Girl 1: Why don’t you take a guess?

Guy 1: Hmmm. This is hard…I’ve got it! You’re kindergarten teachers!

Girls: No, guess again.

Guy 2: You’re flight attendants! No? You work in fashion! No? You’re housewives! No? You’re secretaries! No? you’re nurses!

Girls: No, none of those are even close.

(Girls end conversation, make a swift dash away from the duo.)

Posted in Douchey Comments | Tagged , , | Comments Off on Women in the Workplace. Ha!

Somewhere between pumping iron, perfecting their side swoops, and attending the University of Ark

Posted on 11/03/2011 by admin

Somewhere between pumping iron, perfecting their side swoops, and attending the University of Arkansas, these bros found time to make a full-length, surprisingly professional cover video of Katy Perry’s Firework that makes us laugh on this Friday afternoon.

Piiiig sooie, y’all!

Posted in Frat Bros | Comments Off on Somewhere between pumping iron, perfecting their side swoops, and attending the University of Ark

Dear Nancy, I love you so much. Sorry I killed you. Love, Sid.

Posted on 11/03/2011 by admin

This letter was penned by a 20-year-old Sid Vicious a few months before he was accussed of stabbing Nancy to death. How sweet.

Our personal favorites: Has fab taste in clothes, great hustler.   

                

Posted in Dysfunction Junction | Comments Off on Dear Nancy, I love you so much. Sorry I killed you. Love, Sid.