For the past year, I attempted a dating experiment. Having developed feelings for an emotionally unavailable man in his forties in mid-2016, I decided to channel my heartbreak and be proactive. Harnessing the power of my dating apps, I changed the settings of potential mates, shifting the age from early 40’s- early 50’s, removing guys in their 30’s (I’m in my early 30’s) and limiting my pool of options to a decidedly more seasoned type. Thanks to Bumble, this experiment is really easy to put in to motion.
As should perhaps be expected, many of the men I connected with were divorced with children. This I anticipated and was happy to explore. I’ve always liked the idea of being a step mom, or helping to raise children in a unique way, and am not necessarily jonesing to birth my own kids, at least not anytime soon. So onto the dating journey I voyaged…
The gentlemen I met were, by and large, gentlemen. Kind, successful, gainfully employed and devoted to their children. The guys I went out with had children ranging in age from elementary school to early college. What one might not realize before embarking on an experiment like this, is that a 47-year-old guy can have a 20-year-old daughter, and in fact a few of them did, so that was a twist.
None of the relationships progressed to the place my initial aspirational relationship led me to dream they might, however I was fond of the men I met and learned something from each of them. The results were striking…
I love Independence Day. For single people I think it carries an added significance- celebrating the absolute freedom of being unattached.
Our society is built on the institution of marriage and “settling down”. I spend a lot of time thinking about what that would look and feel like. But I spend far more time enjoying the life I have free from all of that. My friends, my family, my apartment, creative endeavors, work friends, rescue dog, community in LA– all the things that make my life unique and solely my own– as a single person. One day there may come a time when much of that is shared with someone and everything will be different. For now, it’s mine.
I know from married and engaged friends that once it happens it changes everything immediately and fully. Their friends are your friends. Their house is your house. It’s not easy to march to the beat of your own drum when you have someone to “check in” with constantly, let alone a marriage to tend to or children to care for. You can’t pop out to meet friends whenever you feel like it, stay out too late or shrug off responsibility. My married and engaged friends tell me they look back to the time right before they became attached and wish they could go back for one last hurrah, one last experience of being single and free– to do it all over again. Many of my single friends say they wish they had something consistent and nurturing. The grass is always greener on the other side.
Today I’d like to celebrate the experience of being independent and inspired.
Breakups are an unpleasant and inevitable part of life. In their best form, you come to the mutual decision the pairing “isn’t working out” and part amicably or at least on neutral ground. In their worst form, breakups are earth shattering experiences where you find yourself rejected by the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with and sitting on your stoop with moving boxes. If this applies to you, I’m extremely sorry for your loss. It may not feel like it now, but your life is moving forward and better things are yet to come. If I’ve learned one relationship lesson in my life it is this: if someone tells you they don’t want to be in your life, let them go. They don’t deserve another ounce of you.
Here are 6 tried-and-true methods for surviving and getting through a breakup…
#1. Remove your ex’s stuff from your space. All photos of your ex and items that remind you of him/her need to be removed from your home. Did you always stock his favorite soda in your fridge? (I did). Get rid of it. Give it away. Cute photo from your last vacation? Store it in the closet. If you have items of theirs that need to be returned (clothes, toiletries, etc.) get to the post office and send that shit back. The U.S. Postal Service is your friend. Make steps to re-establish your space as YOUR sanctuary free of imagery or gifts that remind you of them. It’s understandable that this process may be difficult, but your ex is not worth the constant heartache of seeing their photos and personal items- particularly in your own home. You don’t have to forget the memories, but give yourself a break. This step is key and must happen swiftly!
#2. Stay busy. As much as you want to hide under your comforter, this behavior needs to be kept to a minimum. It’s only going to make you feel worse and allow you to obsess over every last word and interaction, which let’s be real, you can’t take back or change. Get out of the house, meet up with a friend, take a power walk, go to a comedy show, go to the movies, cook a meal, call your grandmother. Be open with people you trust, it’s important to be able to express that the breakup has happened and you’re working to move forward. At the same time, don’t wallow. Life is too short. More detailed suggestions on that below.
I had been dating a guy for about three months, and things had been going reasonably well. That was, until I decided to take him to an Australia Day party as my plus-one. I’d been there with him for about three hours, having fun with him and my friends. In walk two girls dressed like slutty Gumnut Babies. (For American readers, Gumnut Babies are cartoon storybook characters, kind of like a Kewpie Doll.) One streamlined towards my then-boyfriend, who took an immediate interest in her. I brushed it off when the girl invited my boyfriend to join her for a drink, allowing myself to be immersed in conversation with other guests at the party. Cut to 45 minutes later, two people having asked me if my boyfriend was the one sitting with the Gumnut Baby, and I had had enough. Continue reading →
We’re big fans of Patti Stanger aka Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker. She’s a third-generation matchmaker with lots of helpful advice and zero filter when it comes to doling out relationship advice. This next season, is the EIGHTH season for “The Millionaire Matchmaker”. And we’ve been waiting months for it. From the looks of it, this is going to be a star-studded season. Chilli, from TLC, is a single lady looking for love in one episode. Also a client? Larry Birkhead, former husband of Anna Nicole Smith. It also appears that Sonja Morgan– queen of Real Housewives of New York may be a client as well! This looks like a rousing time, and we can’t wait!
Check out Bravo for more details. And tune in Sunday night at 9:30 ET/PT for the season premiere.
Aziz Ansari is a talented writer, comedian, actor and apparently proud feminist. In a recent interview with David Letterman, he spoke about his understanding of what it means to be a feminist and why he thinks it’s important to talk about gender issues, including in comedy. Much of his understanding of feminism he attributes to his girlfriend, saying, “my girlfriend makes me think about those things. She’s a big feminist and I am too”. Go, Aziz!
He also goes on to make some pretty hilarious comments about equality between Beyonce and Jay Z. Check out the interview clip here:
This makes us love Aziz even more, and brings up a very important rule. If you’re going to shack up with a significant other, please make it someone who respects you as an equal.