The Perks of Being Wallet Guy

walletIt was a lovely winter evening in Southern California and a group of us girls were out at one of the trendiest spots in Santa Monica.  The beautiful people were out in full force.  We stumbled into the game room (pool, checkers, backgammon) and challenged each other to a checkers match.

We had a few cocktails by this point, so failed to notice the abandoned wallet just next to the table until one of our friends asked us if it was ours.  It wasn’t.  We are not a shy bunch, so we dove right in…

-Tattered Louis Vuitton wallet
-Great license pic, 6’3, blue eyed man, donor!  Swoon. (who looks better in their pic than in person, right? wrong, we learned!)
-Potentially winning lotto tickets, check. (The guy has dreams!)
-$6 cash money
-Back of a receipt – perfect!

We were feeling bold and giddy, so we decided to leave our phone numbers (no names, just numbers and a few emoticons) before turning the wallet into the bar.

The next morning rolls around and we get a group text from “wallet guy” thanking us for being such “honest people” and asking us to a drink to repay us.  Score!

We decided on a low-key beer garden for the following Friday at 9…

Some of our friends told us we were stupid for leaving both of our numbers.  That if we both liked him, it’d ruin our friendship.

On the contrary, there’s safety in numbers.  We showed up promptly at 9 and got some drinks.  We decided we were going to wait for wallet guy to reach out, so we scoped out the scene and speculated which guy it would be.

9:15 rolls around. No text.  9:30, no call.

A little after 9:30 I got a text from a different number saying “We are here…” Weird and sorta creepy.  I directed the guy over to meet us, he was sort of a deer in the headlights at this point since we knew what he looked like and he hadn’t spotted us yet. … When we did make eye contact, the three of us laughed.

He sat down to join us and we instantly noticed he had a tattoo on his finger of a wedding band.  My friend asked him about his tattoo and he said he was divorced and that all he has to show for it are his wedding ring tattoo on his finger and his ex-wife’s name tattooed on his side. EEK. He then proceeded to talk about his ex-wife for the next 5 minutes.  I think rule #1 of divorce is that you don’t talk about it during anything resembling a date.

We changed the topic and wallet guy’s buddy came over to join us.  Not long into chatting this friend reveals that he has had five DUI’s and dropped out of UCSB after a semester.  Seriously, kid was dumb as rocks.  Snorted himself silly a decade ago.  We all took out our IDs, since it’s only fair that we got to see wallet guy’s and he never saw ours.  His friend started by pulling his ID out and in his picture, he was legit looking off to the left, capturing his aloof stoned look for all future law enforcement to see.  We passed around ours and wallet guy looked at my friend’s and says (direct quote): “5’5…130…I’d tear your ass up.” (Yes, this is what we were dealing with.)

We bantered for a bit and nothing noteworthy was said.  Something about them not eating dinner and doing sit-ups later to work off their beers.

Then, they wanted to go to another bar.  No way, Jose!!  We respectfully declined and wallet guy walked us to the door like a meathead acting like a gentleman.

We wasted no time walking to the car – and as we were we looked over to see wallet guy and his sidekick walking out of the bar with two other girls!!  Just like that.

Moral of the story: We will not be leaving our numbers in lost wallets.  The fact that the guy lost it should say something.

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