I had just moved to China, knowing nobody and was ecstatic when my first and only friend invited me to the Scottish Burns’ Night Supper (don’t worry I had no idea what it was either.)
I was feeling a bit anti-social until this one Scottish guy came in a few minutes late and sat at the only empty seat at our table. As soon as he plopped down, I turned to my friend and said “WHO is that?!” He was by far the best looking guy I’d seen in China and seemed like a nice guy. He went around giving welcoming kisses to everyone at our table, and I was speechless when he got to me, but gave him the usual two friendly kisses.
Since our red wine, white wine, champagne and whiskey glasses were never left unfilled, I was up and dancing like a true Scot.. even my friend was impressed. The few people I had met in passing before this event soon became my very best friends and there I was toasting everyone I had met that evening. Needless to say, I was having the time of my life! Please note: 1) I don’t drink Whiskey. 2) The end of the event starts to get fuzzy here.
I vaguely remember getting into a taxi and heading to the main, sloppy expat bar that everyone knows. The last thing I remember is talking to Hottie, perhaps even flirting, propping my head up on the bar, but being oh so smooth, of course. To my credit, he did seem very interested.
Fast forward several hours and I wake up, to my surprise, on a couch fully clothed in my strapless dress from last night. All of a sudden, I hear some commotion and Hottie walks out of his room, says hi, offers me some water and heads for the kitchen. In true girly movie fashion, I giggled and then turned my head to the corner and literally mouthed “OH MY GOD.”
He asked if I remember what happened last night and again, I giggled and was praying he’d either say something like “We fucked all night,” “I fell in love with you,” or “I decided to take you home because I’d rather have you at my house than being preyed on by gross expats.” Well, none of those came out and because I was on the couch rather than in his bed, I figure the first was already off the list. But, I was willing to settle for the second one.
Turns out, while we were flirting at the bar, I politely excused myself and went to the bathroom. 25 minutes later, he started to get worried so he opened the girls’ bathroom door to yell for me. No answer. He circled the bar to look for me. Nothing. He and his 2 friends then proceeded to break the door down to find me asleep on the toilet. I stopped him there and never did find out if I was hugging the toilet, slumped over totally exposed or fallen over like a total disaster- when it gets to that point who really cares?! I left his house soon afterward, hoping he’d forget about the whole thing.
A few days later, I was telling my friend this embarrassing story and my cell phone rings. I have a message from Hottie! Excited that he may have forgotten already and was probably asking me out, I checked it and read it aloud. To make everything 1000 times worse, the GM of the bar called Hottie and asked him to repair the door himself. He had written me to say that some of his friends were going to fix it and could I please join. OMG. I told him not to worry about it and went to pay the bar man off. After all was situated and I had given the bar man SO much more money than I needed to, I sent Hottie a text joking about how a new door was now being constructed in my honor (to which he never replied).
Every time I walk into that bar (which is every weekend), either the bar man waves at me or I am reminded of that horrible incident by the huge wooden plaque covering the hole on the bathroom stall door. FML SFAR.
