Douche of the Week: Ashton Kutcher

This has been a long time coming. To be clear, Ashton is the douche of the “week”, because that is the name of the column not because his actions peeked negatively this week. He’s been an ass for quite some time, and it’s long overdue we write about it.

Ashton Kutcher is a douche. First of all, he didn’t realize how amazing his life was. He was married to DEMI MOORE. Hello. He should have been waking up every morning thanking Jesus that his bullcut haircut wound up in the echelon of true Hollywood glamor and prestige, a living legend. Demi is a goddess and should have been treated as such. Instead, he faffed it away.

Number two, Ashton cavorts like an arrogant frat boy. He is pompous and full of himself. He thinks he is gorgeous. Ashton, you are not gorgeous! You are cute, at max. You’re like the boy we thought was cute in 8th grade. You have 8th grade appeal. And we’re women. Over you.

Ashton loves to hear his own voice. One time, we were in the vicinity of Ashton. He was having meetings and on the phone the whole time we were there, loudly, with his door open. He paced and wiggled a pencil in his hand, like he was super intellectual and smart. He’s not.

This guy is like a child star gone wrong. Though he gained fame when we was in his early twenties, in male maturity years, that’s about 8 years old. Max. He polished up well, but underneath, he’s a mess. It’s basically a matter of days before he ends up on Celebrity Rehab for sex addiction and an affliction for malt liquor. Yikes.

In hindsight, it seems pretty perfect he ended up in the role Charlie Sheen got booted out of. We should hope Ashton doesn’t end up toothless and bumbling. At this point, we don’t even care.

BOOM.

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