CNBC’s How to Date a Banker

We recently came across this fine piece of journalism from the folks over at CNBC which gives advice to women on how to date Wall Street guys. While we have a staunch opinion on the matter (DON’T DO IT),  dating “expert”/ Wall Street f*cker Samantha Daniels does not agree and has “spent the better part of 12 years learning all of their habits.” Wow, what a use of time. We thought we’d share few gems from Ms. Daniels with our own commentary included in italics.

– “Be sexy. Wall Street men tend to like women who are attractive and that other men notice when they walk in the room.”

Last time we checked, most men like attractive women- and most women like attractive men, it’s kind of the way us humans work. Great piece of advice, Samantha, we’ll have to try this “sexy” concept you speak of. Innovative.

– “Tell stories that are short and sweet because the mind of a Wall Street man is always moving so rapidly and focusing on so many different things that his attention span for social stories is very short.”

Read: Shut your mouth and let him do all the talking. Yes, this is how all great relationships start- with 30 second stories about your life that the guy probably won’t remember in an hour because he actually wasn’t listening at all. 

– “While a Wall Street man tends to like a little bit of a challenge when it comes to dating, he still likes things to be convenient and easy for him. A lot of women think that if they play hard to get, they will land a Wall Street man….you need to be accommodating or his schedule and time constraints or he will get frustrated and find another woman.”

This is also why Wall Street men love prostitutes. 

– “Don’t get upset if your Wall Street guy isn’t as romantic as you would like him to be. Men, by nature are never as romantic as women want them to be, but Wall Street men especially are very business-like and think practically not romantically.”

Yes, that is evident by e-mails like this one, written in the style of a cover letter, and this one in which the guy tells a woman she “Performed well during the onboarding process [of our relationship].”

In the spirit of Ms. Daniels’ advice, we thought we’d add a few more points to her list:

1. Don’t have high expectations in the “size” department. Many Wall Street men are insecure about something- often the size of their dick, so be prepared for a teeny weenie.

2. Get comfortable with cocaine, because you will probably be seeing alot of it.

3. Get comfortable being alone, because Wall Street men are frequently not available. Whether out of the apartment before you’re even awake, out late at client dinners OR getting a much-needed massage, you won’t be seeing a lot of him, so get used to it.

4. Be prepared for an extreme amount of chauvinism, macho-ism, and fraternity-style behavior. These guys are wannabe alpha males. Don’t expect him to be looking for your POV on much of anything.

5. If he doesn’t have a teenie weenie, be prepared that due to all of the stress in his life, he may not be able to get that weenie in action or be keep it under control. Translation: there’s a significant chance he can’t get it up, or is a sex addict. We hate being right here, but we speak from experience.

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