A Glimpse into the Bro Psyche in the Form of an E-mail

Whoever said guys don’t kiss and tell as much as girls will have to take it back after reading this e-mail from a bro to his friends after a wild (yet sexually unfulfilling) weekend. You’ve gotta read it to believe it. The letter verbatim is included here below.

~~~~
Gentleman,

Last night two young naughty girls drove in from Charlotte to spend the evening with me and my buddy from highschool.  One of the girls, MK, went to school with us our sophomore year, but I had not seen her since.  She is 5′ 2″ has a size C rack, and has said such quotes to my friend as “fuck my face,” “I will do your laundry topless if I can stay for dinner,” and “if you accompany me to my friends wedding we can do whatever you want and you can film it.”  Naughty.  My friend requested that she bring me a highschool offering for the evening, but she was forced to settle for a college girl.  My date’s name was McCray? or something, and she was a saucy 20 year old brunette with a fantastic ass complimented by a tiny waist.

Anyways, we all decided to go over to MK’s cousin’s farmhouse in NC which is the fucking sticks about 20 minutes from Asheville.  We brought 2 cases of Busch Light, a fifth of Beam, a fifth of shitty vodka, and a deck of cards.  From 11 to sunrise the festivities included: kings, drunk driver (2 versions), strip poker, and beer pong.  By the morning we had gone through one and a half cases, a fifth of vodka, and half a fifth of Beam. Needless to say, everybody was fairly annihilated.  So anyways, after an evening of impromptu make out sessions and naked card playing, everything seemed as if it were running smoothly.  I went to bed with McCray and my friend went to bed with MK.  So here I am in bed with this chick, nothing too steamy going on, but the engine is starting to warm up and it appears as if it will be ready to drive to pleasuretown in just a few minutes…

Another minute passes, and here I am getting my crazy stupid cool mack on, when all of a sudden MK crawls into bed on the other side of McCray, and I say to myself “yeeeeee!!!! fucking jackpot!”  My friend has passed out without hooking up with her, and she must be looking for some dick…However, things aren’t always what they seem…MK begins to make out with my chick while we are spooning, and I slowly feel my girl’s attention diverting from myself to this female invader.  I try to stay in the game, I do everything I can to say “hey! look at me! me me me! fresh cocke!” but I see I am losing them fast.

My fears are soon a reality when MK suddenly says “Jon…I think you need to go to bed upstairs, McCray and I need our alone time.”  Ill tell you my friends, this man is a fighter, and I was not gonna go down so easily.  I fought her off with all the verbal muscle I could muster…”aww c’mon, its a party, let me stay.”  MK- “sorry Jon, but not tonight, me and McCray want eachother.”  Me- “Why not?? its so much more fun with three people!”  MK- “I dunno, I dont think you could ever compare to what McCray and I can do together…”  They begin to make out again, and my heart is starting to beat rapidly with the fear that I will miss out on this rare threesome opportunity.  So my next decision is what any rational man would do; I decide to play dead.

Playing dead will allow me to wait out the storm, and once they get real hot I figure I can somehow shimmy my way into the love sandwich and the threesome will happen naturally and beautifully.  So there I am, playing dead, and to my right the chicks are making out and beginning to hump for about a minute.  All is going well, but these girls just cant get lost in the moment…MK suddenly says to me, “Jonnnn, you’ve gotta go now, (she then muffles her giggles with kisses), its about time for us to be alone.”  My response, nothing, I play dead.  MK- “Jon?”  pause… “Joooonathan, sorry buddy, you’ve gotta go.”  Me- nothing. They then begin to shake me and tap on my chest, and for a moment tap on my poor neglected penile region.  After about 5 seconds of this I finally say “alright fine, Im not asleep, but c’mon!  It makes no sense for me to leave, there are two of you, and one of me.  You two can indeed have a great time with eachother, but don’t you think it will be so much better if I have my dick in one of ya’ll while you are hooking up!?”  MK- sorry, but we dont need you, we already have a little pink friend we brought with us.”  Me- “dude, my dick is way better than any fucking dildo, its a fucking real dick!”  MK- “yeah well it doesnt vibrate.”  Me- silently thinking.

MK- “well, Jon…”  Me- “Goddamnit!  are yall serious!  is there absolutely no chance that you want to have an incredible threesome!?”  MK- (sounds of making out).  Me- “well?!”  MK- “sorry Jon but we have our hands full (giggle giggle).”  At this point I finally accept my fate. Me- “God fucking cockeslammin damnit! fine!”  (sounds of more kissing).  I begin to put on my clothes and exit the room, but decide to give it one more last ditch effort.

Me- “well can I at least get a triple kiss before I go?”  Im thinking this will possibly knock some sense into them.  We begin to triple kiss, but suddenly it turns into a double kiss, which I am not invited to join.  Well my friends, you win some and you lose some… With a heavy heart I trudged upstairs to her cousin’s bedroom and tucked my lonely self into a rickety spring bed and listened to the morning birds mock my exile as I slowly drifted into a a restless and melancholy sleep.
yitgrrrrrb-  El fuego de mil gitanos que ha sido apagado.

This entry was posted in Frat Bros, Hooking Up, This is Awkward and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.